Often we see families getting chaotic over the idea of intercaste marriages; some clearly deny it,some are more mediocre,they don't mind if anybody else does it,but when it comes to their child-there is a total no no, but love doesn't know any boundaries: no race, no religion can defeat love and one living example of how love is a strength and not a weakness is Carrie Udeshi-a long time resident of Vadodara. We came across Carrie, a US citizen by birth, through different contacts at MSU. She is married to a Kutchi and moved to India 9 years ago and is settled in Baroda. We were not able to meet her face-to-face, but she communicated through mail and here is the transcript from the interview published with her approval.
Que. Born and brought up in the foreign country,how does it feelseeing thediverse culture of India?
I am from a diverse country-the United States (and the Americas –North, Central and South- in general)-is an amalgamation of cultures. In the city I moved from in the US there were over 60 nationalities represented in a city of almost 120,000 people. It was not unusual to hear different languages when you walked down the street and there was a huge variety of food to choose from in the way of grocers and restaurants: Lebanese, Japanese, Italian, Indian, Vietnamese, Korean, Chinese, Ethiopian, French, Austrian, etc. The influence of these various cultures was pronounced in the rhythm of life of this city and celebrated too. So, living in a diverse culture isn't a big change for me since I grew up in one. What was more interesting was the depth of the culture here. The number of traditions, ceremony and celebration that surround holidays, worship, weddings, or any event and the importance placed on it, etc. I love this aspect of the people and country.
Que.There was surely some anxiety and confusion while taking the decision to move to India; what made you so confident that it would work?and also, how was settling down with an Indian family? How did it go?
Actually, there was no anxiety or confusion. My husband (an Indian) was more hesitant about moving here than I was about it. I told him, "Let's go! If it doesn't work out we can always move back to the US." Anyway, I've always loved travel and adventure and had already lived overseas as an exchange student and on short expat assignments before meeting him so to me this was just another adventure. Also, his family is extremely nice. When I met them I knew it wouldn't be a problem to move here. His parents got along famously with my parents and there was an immediate comfort level. We lived with my in-laws the first year and it was wonderful; they were instrumental in my adaptation to India and its culture. The only thing that I missed a little bit was privacy and having time alone-something that is very difficult whether you live with parents or not in this country!
Que. Now that a few years have passed since moving to India, do you miss your old life?
9 years have passed since I moved to India and I have a hard time imagining a life in the United States now. I think I am more Indian than American now in some of my values. I don't miss my life there; I do miss people…things… my family of course and I miss America's beautiful parks, libraries and diversity. Could I live there again…I'm not so sure. I have a good life here.
Que.People are not accepting inter-caste marriages, you have an intercontinental marriage; what do you think of the prejudices?How do you see it?
I think the reason behind marrying someone within your own group makes sense; perhaps there is a bigger chance that your values and culture will be aligned with your spouse's. That said, I think too much is made of this. It doesn't matter whether you marry within your caste, outside of it, or across the world, at the end of the day your values have to align and you have to communicate and listen to each other. Sometimes you will have to compromise; sometimes your spouse will need to compromise, etc. but you most always keep your eye on the ball and work together towards shared goals. What I do think is important is that parents let their children have some space to explore and date with the opposite sex or the same sex if that preference is there and they shouldn't feel scared or ashamed of doing it. Parents should also stop pressuring their children to marry early; the idea that after 25 a woman has become an old hen is horrible. There is a complete double standard here for men vs. women. Parents should encourage their children to become independent adults-it will better equip them to make decisions when they enter into a marriage.
Que. "Love conquers it all."Is only love enough?Comment please.
I think so. You unconsciously invest your time in things and people because of love and passion. You withhold judgment and judge harshly because of it and give freedom because of it. Love and the feeling we as humans have from it drives so much of what we do and lets us fly high and hit lows and learn. When you truly love and listen to what it tells you on the deepest level you know what to do and when to do it.
Que. Your kids will be a mixture of Indian and American, is it important to you that they adapt to the culture of either country?
I have a son who is 5 years old. He doesn't really know any other culture but Indian culture. He was born in Baroda and has only lived in India. He has travelled to the US and other countries, but they aren't completely in his recent (or distant) memory. He absorbs things from me and my husband and I suspect that as he gets older he will explore a bit more about American culture and maybe identify with some of it, but right now he is a pure Gujju boy
Que. Some message for ladies out there?
With the exception of a few countries, the world has a long way to go in terms of gender equality. You aren't second best. You are equal and as Kathryn Stockett wrote in her book The Help "You is kind. You is smart. You is important."
Que. What makes you proud of being a woman? In one line.
Everything. Every adjective and noun you can think of good and bad makes me happy to be a woman. I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Every moment wasted looking back, keeps us from moving forward." -Hillary Rodham Clinton
Interview By: Hetvi Chatufale